Return

The final descent begins and I scoot over to the window seat (thankfully having had both seats to myself for the 10 hour leg of the journey from Japan to San Francisco). I have terrible flight anxiety, tending to avoid looking outside with superstitious terror, so the fact I was taking on peeking out the window was something in itself. Despite the long flight and all the goodbyes, I couldn’t believe I was actually here. Home in America.

I push my airplane styled hair off my forehead and look down at the rippling brown landscape, the change in scenery apparent even from 15,000 feet in the air. I see rivers of snow and water curling around the corners of hills, the sun reflecting off the top, all of it looking so familiar yet foreign, and I felt such a rush of excitement and certainty at my return.

The thought comes to me as we bank to the left, heading into San Francisco airport, and it was so clear it was as if someone had spoken out loud;

“There are good things waiting for me here.”

I’ve been in America for 5 days now. In between going cross-eyed every two hours from jet lag (there was a moment at Thanksgiving Dinner when I realized, as I struggled not to fall asleep face down in mashed potatoes and turkey, my body thought it was 10am in the morning of the next day), having stomach issues with readjusting to Western food and spluttering around (I find myself caught between answering in English without a second thought and the impulse to stop the urge to answer in English and think of the reply in Thai as I always had to do there. There’s an awkward lag time where I have to ask myself “wait, I can answer in English, right?”) it’s an adjustment to say the least.

I am also freezing.

Thailand feels very far away which in some ways makes me sad; yet I keep thinking I am returning to that life after I leave San Francisco/visiting Rachel and Tom. Just like when I arrived in Thailand and there was no familiar reference point for where I was and there was a lot to take in; there isn’t any familiar reference point here which makes life in Thailand feel tangible. Except for the changes within myself, it almost feels as if Thailand didn’t happen. I have lots of memories and moments to share (and Rachel (I have a lot of friends named Rachel) and Tom are a very receptive audience. Thank you for that) but there isn’t anyone here who shares those 8 months of memories with me. It’s such an extreme change it’s almost easier to not think about what I left. I’m not sure if that makes sense but it’s the only way I know how to describe it. I know I am processing and, maybe, this disoriented feeling will pass as I begin to settle in. Maybe not.

But that’s ok- mai bpen rai- such is the journey of life.

And along with the sadness is happiness and excitement at being back and seeing what is next — seeing family and friends. Throughout all of this past year I have learned just how blessed I am to have friends and family who have continually provided encouragement, humour and love. So thank you, all of you, because without this background of support I would never be able to find the courage take a leap of faith.

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